“Is this really happening again?”
Ever have this question pop-in when you thought you healed something and then the same wound gets triggered again? I hear ya - it can be super frustrating AND it also doesn’t need to be.
The other day, this overwhelming wave of failure swept over me, and I couldn’t help but let the tears flow. I’ve been working through this fear FOR YEARS.
I had the intuition a few weeks ago that the next piece of healing this wound for me was to work through some of the stored pain from my experience of playing soccer as a youth. I often felt like the weakest link on my team, like the other girls were angry with me + didn’t like me, AND that I was always the one who was letting the team down. (Intense, hey? Talk about low-grade stress)
So when those tears flowed, my mind went right to some of those unpleasant memories as a youth. ‘Yep, this is where the gold is.’ I found a patch of grass outside and had a journaling session. I let myself see all of the ways in which those experiences caused me pain, and I told myself I was ready to let go of those stories.
The next morning in my sadhana practice - I had another jolt of that feeling of failure pop-in with some more flashbacks to those memories. I felt frustrated for a split second.
But then… I remembered that what I needed most was my own embrace and validation.
So I literally wrapped myself in a hug, allowed myself to journey back to that feeling of disempowerment as a youth and was taken back to a memory of me sobbing in a closet after I had decided to quit playing soccer. That moment was the epitome of feeling like a failure. And it hurt. Bad.
I had TOTALLY forgotten about this. So I saw myself there, felt her pain and talked her through it. I told her about how valued she is, about the strong womxn she would grow into, about all of the amazing things she would do that would surprise her.
And eventually, I felt that teenage girl stand up. I saw my adult self hug her in an embrace.
I then called upon Mother Mary and asked her to wrap her arms around us and to bathe us in unconditional love.
I viscerally felt an internal shift. I felt a softness settle into my body, and I could feel that I already am the success. After this profound moment of re-mothering myself with the ally-ship of Mother Mary, I continued to pray throughout the day, asking for support to find my way through the discomfort.
The next day, I received this visceral vision of Mother Mary. I saw her enter into my vision more clearly than I've ever seen her. She was surrounded by the blue ray and white light, her palms facing me and bathing me in light.
I could feel her frequency, and I knew that she was there to speak to me. So I kept breathing, as I held stillness and empty presence within.
I began to hear her whisper in my left ear:
"You are held. You are loved. Keep asking for support. We are here for you. Trust. Trust. Trust. This process is the biggest key in your development right now.
Do not fear the expansiveness. Embrace it. Embrace the expansion. Embrace the spaciousness. And trust it. Everything is coming in due time.
Divine timing and synchronicity is at play. No matter how hard things feel or what happens - know that something truly miraculous is coming."
Well... it went something like that at least! (I didn't write it down in real time, lol).
Ask and you shall receive, hey? What a blessing.
Here’s the thing - wounds take time to heal. Healing is a process, there are always more layers of the onion to peel. AND you also can move through the process with a sense of embrace, kindness and compassion for yourself.
Mother Mary has been my best friend in teaching me how to do this.
She can teach you how to access that space inside of yourself that can offer you unconditional love. She is a potent ally who can support you during the Re-Mothering phase of the Bio-Mystical Womb Apprenticeship. You can learn more about that here.
Being in the Bio-Mystical Womb Apprenticeship with Sama has given me more confidence, knowledge, and skill in the work that I offer. I am currently a mentor in training for the apprenticeship.
As a Yoga Guide and Womb Priestess, I serve conscious, spiritual womxn come home to their inner knowing to empower themselves. In devotion - I focalize and steward Wild Moon Sisters, an etheric temple to support womxn embody their Divine Feminine wisdom and power. You can join the community temple here.
And you can learn more about the services that I offer and connect with me here.